A project manager, a computer programmer and a computer operator are driving down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The three men try to solve the problem.
The project manager said: "Let's catch a cab and in ten minutes we'll reach our destination."
The computer programmer said: "We have here the driver's guide. I can easily replace the flat tire and continue our drive."
The computer operator said: "First of all, let's turn off the engine and turn it on again. Maybe it will fix the problem."
Suddenly a Microsoft software engineer passed by and said: "try to close all windows, get off the car, and then get in and try again."
A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager
were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain
road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened
almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers,
until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside.
The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were
stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to
do?
"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a
meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some
Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the
Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."
"No, no," said the
Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that
method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me,
and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate
the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."
"Well," said the
Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the
car back up the road and see if it happens again."
The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
Programming Languages are Like Cars
Assembler: A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive and maintain.
FORTRAN II: A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road.
FORTRAN IV: A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77: a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts.
COBOL: A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly but it does the work.
BASIC: A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one.
PL/I: A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield.
C++: A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with optional seatbelt (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler).
ALGOL 60: An Austin Mini. Boy that's a small car.
ALGOL 68: An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not just anyone can drive it.
Pascal: A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectual types.
liSP: An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not available.
PROLOG/LUCID: Prototype concept cars.
FORTH: A go-cart.
LOGO: A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn.
APL: A double-decker bus. It takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time but it drives only in reverse and is instrumented in Greek.
Ada: An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes, and automatic transmission are standard. No other colors or options are available. If it's good enough for generals, it's good enough for you.
Java: All-terrain very slow vehicle.
Life Before the Computer
An application
was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 ? inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was
something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was
adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll
stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
CIA - Computer Industry Acronyms
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
SCSI: System Can't See It
MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
DOS: Defunct Operating System
WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too
PnP: Plug and Pray
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
CA: Constant Acquisitions
COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language
liSP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You're Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.
A grade school teacher was asking his pupils what their parents did
for a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"
Tim
stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How
about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My
father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does
your parent do, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My
daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and
went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the
door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an
explanation. Billy's dad said, "I'm actually a system programmer
specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How can I
explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
The Programmers' Cheer
Shift to the
left, shift to the right!
Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!
